The Window Shopper

This still annoys me.  I try to be the bigger person, but yet, I would like to smack the Window Shopper because I feel he tricked me and wasted my time.

The Window Shopper wooed me via email.  We “met” on  He kept sending me messages that he liked my smile, he could wait to meet me, etc.  We made plans for dinner.  A really nice restaurant that also plays jazz.  I’ve always wanted to go there.  All week he asked is it date day yet?

I knew from his profile that he was a bit shorter.  I’m 5’7 and I really don’t have an issue with men being shorter than me, but I do like to wear heels.  I figure a confident man can handle that.  He did make mention of his height so I knew it meant something to him and I was sure to tone that down.  Dinner was great.  We had  good conversation and got along quite well.  He is a foodie and seemed to know about wine (I know a lot about wine as my ex is in the industry as is my best friend). We had a lot to talk about.  After dinner we sat at the bar and chatted until the place was closing.  He walked me to my car and gave me flowers.  I thought, how sweet.

The next day he told me what a great time he had and asked me to come to his house.  He wanted to make me dinner.  He also bragged about his Blue Ray and asked me what movie I wanted to watch.  I chose it and he actually bought it.  He asked me to please wear flats.  Found that strange, but whatever.  I went over (in my cute new flats), brought him a nice bottle of wine and we actually made fresh pasta and dinner.  Dinner was great, the movie was fun, we did a little making out.  We had two bottles of wine…ut oh.  I couldn’t drive home and I spent the night.  Did I say ut oh?

I went to use the bathroom, came into the bedroom and he was naked!  How presumptuous!  Eh, oh well, being not in the best decision making place and I rolled with it.  Yada yada yada, next morning I had a bit of a hangover and we did a little yada-ing and he was very sweet and nice and gave me a toothbrush.  He sent me a message at work that he had a great night and it was nice waking up with me. The good news was I had that day off from work.

We did some occasional texting and made tentative plans for the next Saturday.  I didn’t hear from him as much and I probably texted him a little too much.  I’m a texter.  I thought he was into me.  So Saturday rolled around and I didn’t hear from him.  I finally sent him a message saying, I’m guessing since I haven’t heard from you that we are not getting together tonight.  He said, Oh, I’m sorry.  I went to the Casino with my boy and he was winning. We are still here.  I said Okay.  And that was it.

The next Monday I got an email from him.  He basically said that he was sorry about the way he behaved and that he was scared and he thinks he is just going to “window shop” for a while.  I was pissed.  I sent him a pretty blunt email back telling him he wasted my time.  I did hear from him again.  He asked how I was doing and that was that.  I’m still thinking, why the hell do you care???  I figure he is still out there window shopping and was checking to see if I was still for sale.  Jerk.  From then on – Hard to get was my motto!

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The Marine

Semper fi!

The Marine was very cute and asked me to go out to a nice trendy restaurant for a glass of wine.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I found out that he runs triathlons, which is pretty intimidating to me as I can’t run worth a damn.  I asked him a lot about that and how he got into it.  He is a former marine and has a very militaryeque vibe to him.  In charge, yet polite, with a touch of know-it-all.  As the date when on I began to see a pattern.  He knew about EVERYTHING! He hunts and has killed a turkey in every state.  He is going to a local community college and yet he was getting his PhD in Physics.   He is a computer genius.  His son (who is 4) speaks Spanish fluently and they converse daily.  His eyes were scanning and he told me about how he can spot bad guys easily and never sits with his back to the door.  He knows all about physical fitness, food, wine, astronomy, physics, cars, motorcycles, and snakes.  All this within one hour of a date.  I don’t think he asked me one question.  Suddenly he tells me he injured his elbow and he keeps stretching it oddly.  He then leans over and asks the bartender for some ice.  He wraps the ice in a cloth napkin and lays his arm on it which basically has him laying on his side on the bar.  It was very odd.  At this point I’m getting the gist that he does not really care about making a good impression so I start having a little fun and ask him wild questions.  I am just going to have fun.  I asked him all about snakes and my best question that I’ve asked on a date…..”If you could be a snake, what snake would you be?”

Yeah, I never heard from him again.

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The Leprechaun

Met the Leprechaun via  I must have been feeling daring this day because we didn’t chat very much and he asked if I wanted to meet him for a drink and I said, yeah sure, I’ll be right over.  I had the day off, why the hell not.  His profile said he was 5’8 and his picture reminded me of a guy I dated in college.  The guy I knew in college was not handsome in the traditional sense but was hysterically funny and charismatic.  I always had a soft spot for him.  This person brought me back to those days so I gave him a shot.

The place he chose to meet is a dive bar.  I’m usually a wine drinker, but I knew this was not the place for that.  A beer it is.  He shows up and, for Christ sake the guy is 5’5 and about 15 years older than he was in the picture he posted.  His face is very wind burned looking and he has the drunk nose.  You know the bigger more bulbous nose that has lots of broken blood vessels…This is a waste of my time, but I’m going to just roll with it.

I ask him my usual questions about crazy dates he’s been on and find out that he has dated this mysterious overweight lady that everyone I meet seems to have gone on a date with.  Apparently this person has a picture of a skinny lady on her profile and you show up and she is very nice but very over weight.  I think, “Yeah it’s not very cool to put up pictures that do not reflect your true self.”  Karma’s a bitch.   He was separated and I asked how long.  He told me 5 years!  I asked why and then he told me a nightmare story about Orders of Protection, law suits, never ending court dates, and bills.


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The Big “O”

I was just chatting with Mr. X and told him I read that during a passionate bout of sex, you’ll both use 143 muscles and torch as many kilojoules as during a 15-minute jog.  This prompted and interesting conversation about how long that session would need to be to equal a 15 minute job and then how long of a session I’d be up for.  Have I ever gone 2 hours?  My response was, “2 hours straight?”

This led me to think back to the days of awesome day long sexcapades with my college sweetheart, El Nino.  El Nino will always hold a soft place in my heart and when the sun first begins to shine in early March and we are surprised with that true first day of spring I always want to run out to corner dive bar, sip a crappy beer, and daydream about laying in bed with El Nino.  I was maybe 19 and we would skip classes and lay in bed all day (the bed was in a roach infested duplex apartment, and his bedroom was actually a closet under the stairs where there was enough room for a double mattress and a tv…seriously).  I’m listening to the 90’s station to complete my flashback – Goo Goo Dolls – Slide ’98. 

We would take the occasional water and bathroom breaks, but would practice in that room all day long.  My most vivid memory is peaking out of the room at about 2am both of us wrapped in the shabby avocado green blanket his mom sent from home, opening the front door, and watching all the kids stumble home from the bars.  It was reading day and everyone was out partying but we were in touching, caressing, and learning how to please one another.

Having been married for nearly 10 years I’ve gotten way more accustomed to the 10 minute romp.  Let’s sneak this in before we fall asleep, kids walk in, or let’s just get it done out of obligation.  Not so romantic.  We already know what makes eachother tick.  There is no more discovery, boredom has slipped in, and at times some minor disgust.  Hence this relationship was not ever one of sexual satisfaction.

Mr. X went on to comment that he wanted to figure me out more.  He was “not a fan of this one and done thing”.  He said he needs to get me to the multiple stage.  I should be so excited and shouting from the rooftops that I have a guy in my life willing to go the extra mile to please me in such a way.  I like him a lot.  I’m very attracted to him.  He is a person I can see a future with.  Instead I’m scared.  I’m really scared.  Anxiety has always been an issue with me and even as I write this I can feel my heart racing a bit.  It’s racing in a good and bad way.  I’m excited to round this intimacy corner, but I’m fucking frightened too.  I’m pondering why.  What I come up with is that for me to reach a high level of intimacy with a man, I really need to feel comfortable giving up control.  If I give up control and let my feelings really go I’m vulnerable and I can be hurt.  I don’t want to be hurt, but I do really want a great orgasm and from what he is working towards…multiple.  Maybe I’ll even end up with a satisfying relationship if I can let myself be happy.  I can do this.  I can do this.

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Mall Guy

I met Mall Guy on  We went back and forth with many email, texts, and did a little yahoo chatting before meeting up.  I learned from Mall guy that one of his favorite things to do it go shopping.  I really don’t like shopping. I try to do most of it online and I especially hate the mall.  During Xmas I try to stay away.  Every time I go out of some sort of necessity, I hate it.  I don’t know which way to go to get to the store I want to visit.  I walk around in circles and I’m usually in much more of a rush than the mall walkers, mothers in stroller, and teenage couples are.  I have never understood why people like going to the mall to walk around holding hands.  I don’t get it, but mall guy did.  He loves the stinking mall.  Strangely enough he proposed the mall as our first date.  He had to go to the mall to pick up something for his daughter and I work fairly near the mall. We met for a drink at the bar of a restaurant at the mall.

I need a dishwasher safe, non-stick skillet...

First impression – Pretty cute, nice smile, neatly dressed, very “normal” looking guy.  Nothing jumped out at me as either good or bad.  He told me about his job.  He told me about his daughter.  He told me about his house and family.  All very vanilla.  Vanilla is good. I like vanilla (but I prefer pistachio). Not seeing any warning signs.  At the same time not feeling anything related to a spark.  I can tell he is a super good dude.  He likes fantasy football, doesn’t really read, and the tv shows he likes include Grey’s Anatomy.  Hmmmmmm…I like Grey’s, but don’t know many guys who admit to liking it.  The date continues and while I’d like another drink, he mentions that he needs to purchase a skillet and asks if I’d like to come along.  My mind is saying, “No.  I do not want to go with you to buy a skillet.  I really hate mall shopping!”  My mouth says, “Sure, why not.”  On the way out of the mall he mentions that his friend is going to yell at him for taking a first date to buy a skillet.  I laugh and think, yeah, you are really not good at this dating thing.  Way to get my juices flowing.  He walks me to my car and grabs and kisses me.  “ohhhhhhh….thank you.”  I kinda pull away and get in my car.  He tells me he’d really like to see me again and asks me to go out later that week.  I tell him I’ve got to check and will text him.

I don’t really want to go out again, but he is so nice. I figure I have to give him another shot.  I proceed to go out with Mall Guy two more times.  The second time we just have a few drinks at his house.  He goes for the smooching again, which was better and the date was kinda nice and comfortable.  I can see this guy wants a relationship.  It’s written all over him he wants a wife.  Not a bad thing, but I feel pressure from him.  He texts me  – a lot.  He wants to go out – a lot.  He gets a little pissy with me when I have plans or do not reply to him fast enough.  When we go out on the next date to dinner he tells me he has been married twice, but that the first marriage did not last long.  The second marriage was lacking passion and he must have passion.  Okay.  Passion is good, however, I’m not feeling passion for him.  He begins to accuse me of not being over my ex.  I’m completely over my ex and never had any doubts about my decision to not be married to him so this is very annoying to me. I really didn’t go on a date to have to defend my dating position.  I talk to my friend post date and she points out that my ambivalence toward Mall Guy was showing through and making him insecure.

In the meanwhile I’m also talking to and going out on dates with Pharma Guy.  I begin to feel hot for Pharma Guy and decide I need to not string along Mall Guy.  I finally tell him I’m just not feeling the connection that we had discussed we both need to have in our next relationship.  He tells me he really things we have one and that it’s probably because I’m not over my ex.  Yeah yeah yeah, I go along with this because I really don’t want to defend myself again.  He tells me to get in touch when I feel more ready for a relationship. I tell him thanks and that he is sweet and I will.

Every now and then he checks in with me to see how I’m doing.  It just so happens he texted me today that he was thinking about me.  We caught up briefly via text and his auto correct kicked in and he sent me this message, “I have no cock.” OMG!  HAHAHA!  Poor guy.  Then he sent me, “Good lord.  Lol.  I mean to say have a cocktail.”  He also asked me if I was back with my ex and tells me he’s surprised I didn’t have a spark with him.  UGH! He will be a good catch for someone out there.  Just not for me. I can’t fathom a life of continuous mall dates.

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Soccer Guy – part2

Yesterday I started writing about Soccer Guy.  I left off that I was able to make a quick escape from our office kissing “date”.  From there we did a lot more chatting.  I found out that his ex to be had served him with papers twice, that he had a couple kids, but the ages of these kids were kind of vague and I started to think that something was a little off with the kids story, but I let it go.  He finally took me out on an official date. We had lunch at a restaurant, I thought that was pretty cool as it seemed to be tricky to get him out of asking me to come to his office.  I was over that. We also met out at a park and went for a walk another time, which was actually kind of romantic and we did some more nice making out.

He called me a few times and it seemed that he had been drinking one of the times.  He wanted to come over to my house.  Now this was my kid night and I told him I had the children.  He got very angry, seemingly hurt that I would not have him over when my children were home.  He kept saying, they are sleeping. I was like, yeah, but I’m not having a guy over when my kids are here. SORRY!  My brain was a little muddied by the hot kissing, but not that muddied (thank God).

Some things started to not make much sense to me so I decided that I was going to do some behind the scenes investigation.  I went to Facebook.  We still hadn’t shared last names.  I’m not really sure why.  OH and I completely forgot this part of the first date story….SG gave me a fake first name before I met him the first time.  While I was in his office the phone rang and he answered with a different name.  I said who is that?  And he admitted he gave me a wrong name.  That should have been warning sign #1.  Son now armed with his first name I went to his company web site and found out his correct last name.  That helped me to find him on FB.    I was curious to find out his real age.  It was a couple years older than he had told me, which I expected.  I saw a couple pictures of his children and I saw a baby.  I still and not sure who the baby belongs to.  I think there are two marriages.  I confirm a few other things and I’m off.  No major information but now I know, the guy lied about his kids, his age, and his name.  Super!

But dummy me, I still continue to talk to him and we have a few more make out sessions.  These are in parks or random places.  We met up for a drink one night after he played soccer, but that was the only other “public” meeting.  I start putting on a little pressure for a real date.  I tell him I want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night and he keeps putting me off.  It started to hurt my feelings and he begins turning it around to I must want more than him.  I’m thinking I’m not really being demanding or asking for much, but I’m beginning to feel like a ho meeting you in these random places to smooch.

After a while my good making out haze begins to lift as nothing is changing and I see this going nowhere.  I finally catch him off guard one day and say… are you still living with your ex to be?  He tells me yes.  I say, you told me you were separated.  He tells me oh yeah, we are, I live in the other bedroom.  I’m like….oh my god, this guy is officially married.  I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I see the signs.  They were all around me, blinking, WARNING WARNING WARNING!  WTF?  I’m so stupid.  I got pissed and I basically told him to F-off.  My friend told me, that is not the last time you will hear from that guy.  She was right.  About 6 months later, I was on my yahoo chat and he popped up.  “Hey stranger, how’s things?”. I told him I was nearly divorced and things were great and I asked how things were with him.  He said, status quo.  I said, “You still married?”  He never answered and I never heard from him again.  Thank God for small favors.

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My Crazy Dreams

I think I need to start blogging about the dreams I have each night. I usually remember my dreams and they are often very vivid and CRAZY!  I dream in color and most of the times my dreams are frustrating and anxiety ridden.  I very rarely have pleasant dreams of puppy dogs and rainbows.  I would settle for a nice sex dream, but in my brain world I make it to kissing, making out, and sometimes really erotic touching, and then something will interrupt my passion and I’ll spend the rest of the dream trying to search out the person who was providing the passion and can’t find them anywhere, insert major frustration.  Image

Many times I dream about living in some sort of post apocalyptic world.  I’m traveling alone in the world and come upon may crazy adventures and bad guys and partners in crime.

I also dream about high school and college.  Most of the time I’m back in college trying to finish my degree (I have my BA) but in the dream I think I need a few more classes and then I realize that duh, I’ve already graduated, but I keep going back to class and many time live in a dorm.

Other times I’m on some sort of crazy vacation with my girlfriends.  I’m reliving all sort of spring break adventures.  But we are in different locations.  I’m always changing my plane ticket so I can stay longer.  Yeah, I really need a vacation.

Then there is the dream about finding an apartment.  I do a lot of apartment shopping in my dreams.  I’m trying to find the ultimate place to live.  This dream happened even when I had my own home and was married.  I can see that I would have this now since I’m living in the transition of moving from the home that I have with my ex to my parents and hopefully into a dream townhouse of some sort….some day… but this has been recurring for many years.


I love Nancy Botwin

I tell family and friends about my dreams.  They are usually fascinating and very telling about my mental state.  Last night I dreamed that I was selling pot.  WHAT?  I’ve never had that dream before.  I was very nervous about getting caught and although I can’t remember who got me into this whole pot selling scam we had a crazy way of hiding the little baggies so that nobody would see what we were doing.  I don’t smoke pot, never really could get into it, but I did have a conversation about it last night with the guy I’m currently dating, which reminds me I need to post about him.  I’m trying not to jinx things.  We will call him….Mr. X for now :-).  When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I whispered to Mr. X that I just dreamed about selling pot.  He said, “Okay Nancy.” Referring to Nancy Botwin in one of my favorite shows, Weeds.  Just that sleepy voice saying Okay, Nancy made me want to kiss him.  I thought, he gets me, and he can joke with me at 3:12am in his sleep.  Gotta love that.

Pit Bull

Who could say no to this face?

Then my dream faded into one about this very strange guy that I met a couple years ago when I was buying a puppy for my hubbie.  I went to a fairly seedy side of town to purchase a puppy via Craigslist.  Not my brightest move.  When I got to the house and saw the mother, I realized I was getting a pit bull puppy.  My gut told me not to do it, but I couldn’t discriminate against this cute little puppy.  The guy ended up friending me on Face Book and I see his crazy posts now all the time.  AND….even crazier he was on and saw my profile and sent me a message.  OYE VEY!  He has a young daughter who just had a baby the other day and he posted that he was a grandfather. I think he is in his early 40’s. This stuck in my mind and well we ended up making out and dating in my dreams last night. UGH!

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